The Attack
by ohcrapitsme
Summary: It all started when Mike Newton couldn't hold it in any longer! He proclaims his love for Bella and Tyler now loves Edward. Jasper is in a dress and Emmett is Hannah Montana. READ AND REVIEW!
1. Mr Newton

**Okay, so this is my first Twilight fanfic. I feel kind of noobish at this, so cut me some slack please? Haha. **

**I was inspired by "kissss-meeee" and "pleasebiteme". Thanks to these two lovely people, I now walk around the house, thinking about what evil, yet quite moronic stories I can come up with about Bella and Mike Newton.**

**(FYI: If it wasn't for Edward's good looks and vampirism I would certainly be in love with Mike Newton)**

**However: I hate Jacob Black. Not the character himself, but the actions he pulls like the kiss that certainly did ruin Bella in ways I could never forgive him for. HMPH. Stupid kiss pusher! Anyways! On to my slightly moronic story! And I do rant a bit – it's a habit. Sorry!**

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**MICHAEL NEWTON!**

Bella drove her orange old truck to school. It was a bright sunny morning and the clouds were no where in sight. Bella sighed. It was the beginning a miserable school day, knowing that Edward wouldn't be there. She pulled into Forks High, and Mike Newton was in her parking spot. This was unusual. Ever since Edward had returned, he shied away from her.

Bella parked in Edward's spot next hers. She sighed; today was spiraling downward because of the sun. She didn't need Mike interfering with her bad mood. She cut the engine and got out. "Mike. Care to explain what is going on?"

Mike stood with a boom box in his hand. The first instinct Bella had was to run. Fight or flight was tugging at her legs. She decided to stay, and fight whatever was about to come her way. Mike put the stereo down and hit play. A familiar slow beat started to play, and the song hit her in the face. He couldn't! He wouldn't!

"_Spending all my nights, all my money going out on the town,  
__Doing anything just to get you off of my mind, but when the morning comes  
I'm right back where I started again, trying to forget you is just a waste of time"_

Bella was too much in a fright to even move. Mike knew that Edward wasn't going to be at school today because of the nice weather. The song continued.

"_Baby come back, any kind of fool could see,  
__There was something in everything about you  
Baby come back, you can blame it all on me  
__I was wrong, and I just can't live without you"_

Throughout the song, Mike got on his knees and made over exaggerated hand motions to the air and down to his heart multiple times. Bella noticed he was dressed in something that Prince, the singer, would have worn to one of his concerts. She could see his flat upper body, with no sort of tone to mention. It was almost disturbing. She walked up to Mike and slapped him. It seemed like the right thing to do, Bella told herself, he was obviously delirious.

"OUCH! What was that for?" Mike snapped. He pushed pause on the stereo.

"Mike" Bella sighed "How many times do I have to ignore you before you get the picture that I don't like you?"

"I had this all planned out! I got this song off Limewire! Do you know that risks I took for you? I downloaded illegally! What has _Edward _ever done for you?" Mike shouted.

Bella didn't know how to respond. Not only did Mike look like he was going to a gay convention, but his voice got higher and higher as he yelled. Bella couldn't help but laugh. She had to grasp her truck for support.

"Mike" she breathed. "You're in a gay looking costume. You're singing to me, and saying that illegally downloading music is a risk. Tyler is starting to stare at you with interest. What kind of reaction did you want to get from me?"

"Well" Mike started. His temper was growing as the people gathered and started to snicker. "I was hoping you would figure out what a real man would do for you"

"A real man!?" Bella snorted. She got quite interested in his motives now. "This is what you think a real man would do? If this is it, I'm half expecting you to pull out flags and start dancing and twirling!"

Mike looked at his car and bit his lip. Bella noticed the direction of his eyes and glanced over at his car. Sure enough, there was neon colored flags in the back. She couldn't help but laugh.

"If you wanted to prove to me that you were a real man, I would love to see you come to school with tights on and ribbons and hula-hoops" Bella stated, not hiding the amusement and laughter that escaped her lips. She wanted to know how far he would go for her, even if it meant he would embarrass himself and still get turned down.

Bella walked to her first period, knowing that Emmet would be proud. Maybe the school day wouldn't be such a disaster anyways.

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**I know, I'm mean to poor Mike. But I couldn't help it! I am out of character if you haven't noticed. I'll try the best I can to keep them in character, but I am not promising anything! I don't know if I will continue on with this one. Review if you want me to! **

**Oh! I own nothing. I don't own the band "Playa" or "Baby Come Back". Or Twilight. I do down a stereo though! **

**So. Tell me. How was it? I love feedback. Just not the – "Your gay, get a life, I hate you" stuff. Please, keep that to yourself.**


	2. A Wild Goose Chase

So here I am, writing again  
So here I am, writing again. I loved my seven reviews!! I did! I didn't expect to get that much at all. I will continue it for your guy's sake. I have a pretty good idea, but I don't know it will turn out. Let's just see.

I own: NOTHING!  
And we are off.

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**A Wild Goose Chase**

The Cullen House:

"ALICE!" Bella yelled. Alice had seen something yesterday and nor Edward or Alice tell her what was to happen the next morning.

Alice was downstairs in a second, with a wide grin in her face. Edward was already next to her. She would feel the amusement in the air and it just made her mad. "Why didn't ANYONE tell me that I was going to get a performance this morning?"

Alice boomed with laughter "I AM MOJO-JOJO!" Bella scoffed and looked at Edward "Are you Bubbles then?" Edward laughed and kissed Bella. "How was your day love?" He asked, ignoring the Bubbles comment.

"Well. Not only did Mike proclaim his love for me in public, Tyler Crowley looked like he had something mischievous planned. I don't ever want to go back to school" Bella explained as she sat on the couch and cuddled into Edwards arms. "I just want to stay right here"

"Well, tomorrow is supposed to be cloudy with 100 percent chance of rain. Don't worry love; I'll be with you tomorrow" This comforted Bella enough. She wouldn't have to fear another transvestite until the next sunny day. Just about then Emmett came down the stairs. "HEY! I HAVE A GREAT IDEA"

Alice sighed. She knew what was coming. "No! I will NOT chase geese with you Emmett!"

Bella suddenly perked up. She loved chasing wild geese. Sure, she had some battle wounds from the nasty creatures back when she was younger but she decided that he was old enough to face them again. "I want to go!" Bella announced. She jumped up from Edward's hold and ran towards where Emmett was. "How do you play?"

Emmett led her into the backyard. The sun had finally gone down for the evening, leaving a slight chill in the air. Alice and Edward followed close behind, trying to not laugh. They had seen what is to come.

Emmett led her to the gaggle of geese. "Now what you do" he explained "is you have to get close to the geese without them running away".

"How do you do that?" Bella asked. The geese had babies, obviously they were going to run to protect the goslings from harms way. "Be creative. You go first, you're the new comer!" Emmett said, with a slight smirk on his face.

Bella was standing no more then twenty feet away from the geese. She started walking towards them, but with no luck, the mom got up and started to walk away, and the babies followed. Bella turned around "Emmett! This is impossible!" she exclaimed

"Turn around and try again silly!" Emmett said, now perched next to Alice and Edward with his arms crossed. On the deck above, Esme and Jasper stood, discussing the outcomes.

Bella turned around. The geese had noticed she was no threat and sat back down. She was ready. She could face the geese she told herself. She started out slowly, walking parallel to them. Once she in line with them, she slowly shuffled her way over to the gaggle. However, the mother goose stood up and Bella froze. Bella slowly raised her hands up into the air, and stuck a foot out.

"Bella, what in my name are you doing?" Emmett asked, trying to suppress his laughter.

Low enough for only the vampires to hear, she explained "I'm being a tree. One must be one with nature in order to get close to nature"

They didn't know where this was going. Bella slowly talked her way through her steps. "Okay, slowly flow with the wind and move your hands and fingers back and forth to give myself a flowing motion as the wind spirals through me. Good. Now, place a foot on the ground. NO WAIT! I must be unpredictable! I must be… NINJA WARRIOR!" she exclaimed and ran towards the geese. The babies ran, but the mother stayed behind, ready to fight. Bella and the mother goose started to circle, keeping a good distance away from each other, but ready to strike at any moment. The goose charged, obviously wanting to draw blood. Bella, noticing that she had no time to react, turned and ran.

Defeated by a goose, she thought. Now that was embarrassing. The Cullen's were standing outside on the porches, now including Carlisle and Rosalie. All of them were trying to suppress laughter as Bella walked back up to Emmett.

"I lost the game" Bella exclaimed. Emmett laughed. "Well, it was sure damn worth it if you ask me. I couldn't have asked for any better entertainment"

The next morning Edward picked Bella up from her house to go to school. They pulled into the parking lot, but instead of Mike standing in Bella's spot, it was Tyler Crowley, standing in Edward's spot. And he obviously wasn't there for Bella.

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Haha. I couldn't help it. I had to do the goose thing. Yeah – I know it's kind of retarded, but it really happened to me last week. I decided to be an idiot and chase baby geese with an overly protective mother. I could totally see Bella getting into a fight with a goose. Anyways, I'll probably update tonight. I already know what to write :D I love reviews, but don't we all? Give me some ideas!


	3. Fierce Hair

**I'm so relieved to be back here. I just returned from a huge family reunion picnic and it's one of those where everyone goes "OH! I haven't seen you since you we're a little thing!" **

**It was fun to see everyone except it just wasn't fun to repeat my life story to the same people… over... and over... and over... again. Anyways, I have the next 5 or so chapters planned out and will get them hopefully day by day. **

**PS: JACOB SUCKS! (It's an FYI to ****chocomel26) hehe.  
**

Chapter Three: FIERCE HAIR

Bella knew what was coming and Alice couldn't help but laugh at Edward. Tyler was here for Edward. Did anyone know about his current crush? Alice certainly did, but Edward didn't see this coming. He didn't usually keep tabs on people he didn't like.

Edward revved the car, threatening to run over Tyler. Tyler held the smirk on his face. Tyler was expecting Edward's temper to go over the top. He needed it to because it was the only way that Edward would stick around. Edward revved the engine again, but Tyler didn't budge. He placed the boom box on the ground. He was dressed in the shade of blue that Edward loved on Bella. Tyler was blonde, but today, his hair was brunette. Bella examined his eyes, did he have EYELINER ON? And maybe just a faint shade of LIP GLOSS?

Edward parked in Bella's parking spot and took a deep breath. In Alice's vision that he saw, he didn't back away from Tyler. He didn't know why, but Edward knew he had to face this new looking drama queen sometime soon. Bella was about snorting next to him, and Alice, if she could, looked like she was going to piss her insides she was laughing so hard.

They all got out of the car and walked towards Tyler. Bella, being the clumsy one, slipped and went face flat into the cement. She laughed and got up "I'm still working on my Ninja Warrior skills" she snorted. Alice again about looked like she could turn blue at any moment because she was lauging so hard.

Edward leaned up against a car and slowly, trying to keep his temper down, asked Tyler "And what do you have for me today, Tyler?"

Tyler squealed like a little girl and pressed play. The song started to play, at first with a nice beat to it. Then a girl started to sing – no… it wasn't a girl. IT WAS A BOY!

"_I see you every day  
and I can't seem to think  
of anything to say  
Do you baby  
How can that be  
__That it breaks my heart  
when you're smilin' at me"_

Tyler, like Mike, was on his knees. Except he wasn't making over exaggerated hand motions, he was slowly inching his way towards Edward. Purposefully falling over onto his hands and then coming back up to his knees with a blush on his face. He batted his eyes a couple times, and puckered his lips. Edward didn't know if he should be scared or amused.

"He looks nothing like you!" Alice whispered into Bella's ear.

Bella shot a glance at Alice "Was he SUPPOSED to look like me?"

Alice giggled. "Well. You do notice that he is wearing your favorite shit, the same shoes as you, not to mention the eyeliner, the lip gloss, and the 'always falling over' motions he is making"

Bella gasped! How could she be so slow? Ninja's are NOT slow. And how in Emmett's name did Tyler get a hold of her shirt? It did compliment the newly formed man boobs he seems to be growing, Bella thought. Then she took a second take. That was no man titty hanging from his chest. IT WAS A STUFFED BRA!

Bella, again, couldn't help but laugh. It got to the point where Alice had to take her to the bathroom before she pee'd herself, leaving poor old Edward behind to take on Tyler.

"_In you I see something I won't find ever again  
Baby, you're always on my mind  
If I could find a way to open up my heart  
We'd be together, we'd not be apart  
The moment that I laid my eyes on you  
I knew you'd be the one to make my dreams come true"_

The song continued on. Tyler got closer and closer to Edward. Edward started becoming amused with himself. He truly brought Tyler out of the closet. Not that there was anything wrong with him being gay, but he was in love with Bella and was certainly straight. Tyler got just inches from Tyler when the CD skipped and screwed up the performance.

"STUPID EBAY CRAP!" Tyler shouted back at the boom box. "I ASKED YOU TO DO ME ON FAVOR AND YOU GO AND RUIN EVERYTHING!" Tyler sat next to the boom box, and sat 'criss cross applesauce' with his arms folded across his chest. A single tear fell from his eye.

"Uh. Tyler" Edward said. "What is going on here?"

Being too caught up with the boom box drama, Tyler suddenly snapped back to reality. He had seemed to have forgotten about Edward for a moment.

"Well, I, ugh" Tyler stuttered. Edward already knew what he was going to say, being a mind reader and all, but because there were people around, he wanted Tyler to admit this out loud.

"See, it all started when you got back. I couldn't stop thinking about you. It killed me when you were away. It was like my whole heart had gone with you. You are the sunlight to my day, the moon of my night, the song to my bird."

Edward was surprised. He didn't think he would have said all those things out loud. "So why the big dramatic entrance instead of just telling me?"

"Well" Tyler said, now suddenly excited. "I was totally talking to my mother and she was like "OMG MY BFF JILL" and I was like "No way!". So then we started talking, and my mother knows I am totally straight, except for you. It took her a while to get use to, she use to run by my room multiple times during the night and would totally fling "holy" water on me screaming "OMG! THE GAY DEVIL IS IN MY HOUSE! I MUST KILLLLZ IT" I had to ask her to stop and accept me though. It was totally ruining my hair. But I thought "How cool would it be to totally make a brave stance and go all out for you?"

Edward didn't know who he was anymore. He wanted to take the eraser side of his pencil and shove it into Tyler's eye, but that would make people suspicious. "Tyler" Edward said "did you think you ever had the _chance _to get me to … uh… _like _you?" Edward tried to explain.

"Well, duh" Tyler said, holding his hand out and the other on his hip. "I'm here aren't I?"

"Sorry, it didn't work" Edward said. He turned around to go find Bella. This was enough gayness for one day.

Tyler got mad. It didn't work and his plan was foiled. He kicked the boom box hard. It flew into the air and hit Mike in the face, messing up his hair.

"OMG!" Mike shouted "MY HAIR DOESN'T LOOK FIERCE ANYMORE!"

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**Haha. So I know a lot of gay guys, and this memory came back to when we were all hanging out and they just went on and on and on. One talked about how his mom was running around the house and spraying "holy water" on him because he admitted he was gay. Good times. Thought it would be funny. Next chapter is an Alice and Bella adventure. **

FYI - I have to problem with gays. and I am extremely sorry if I had offended anyone. and I'm straight, for those who have asked. I'm a guy lover! (this means yes, I'm female haha)

OH! anyone know the song? I do! Points to anyone who knows it :D

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	4. Snappers

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So for the third time today, I am updating. And just to think I started this yesterday. My stories are moving faster then I am. Haha. Anyways I'm currently bored. I can hear my brother snoring behind me. This is interesting. Any advice on how to drive him insane while he's sleeping? I'm mean, I know. :D

****

I own: nothing. Squat. Nadda. I do own a very fat wiener dog though. He is my sunshine :

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**Chapter Four: Snappers. **

Edward no longer felt comfortable at school. He now had thoughts in his head, screaming his own name from Tyler's brain. Edward has turned him down, and now the drama queen side of Tyler had taken his place. The only thing that Tyler could now think was "OMG. HE DOESN'T LOVE ME!" This barely drowned the thoughts of Mike, which were "NO! I don't know much about clothes, but my hair isn't fierce anymore!"

Edward needed time off from school, from Forks. He decided that a nice camping trip would fit perfectly. Alice skipped up to him "Don't worry, I'm taking care of Bella this weekend"

Edward raised one eyebrow. Obviously he trusted his sister, but he didn't trust what Alice was going to do with Bella. She had her 'mischievous' face on – the one that made it look like she was sucking a sour lemon. It was cute – but it really made him worry. He couldn't read her mind – she was picturing a gold fish sucking the edge of a fish bowl. He kept a mental note to himself to get Alice checked out by Carlisle. **(A.N. Every time I write his name, I go "Carl – IZZLE!" in my brain. I even do it while I'm reading the books. Hehe)**

The day went by slowly. With Mike staring at Bella, and Tyler admiring Edward, things certainly got awkward. "Jessica is talking so fast I swear to Emmett" Edward whispered to Bella "That her lips will fall off her mouth, order a taxi, and get the hell away from her." Bella couldn't agree more. Not only had Jessica been pulled over to the dark side by Lauren and her cookies, but now Jessica hated Bella, still loved Mike, and couldn't believe that Tyler proclaimed his love for Edward. It was Jessica heaven.

Bella whispered back "Thank Emmett It's Friday"

The rest of the day went by easy. In periods 5 and 6, neither Jessica, Mike, nor Tyler were in Edward's and Bella's class. They all escaped the parking lot drama, hoping that no one would decide to pull out another boom box and pick a bad Beatles song to dance to.

They arrived at the Cullen house in no time.

"Bella" Edward began, he forget to tell her that he was going "camping" with the family for the weekend. "Yes?" Bella answered. She was ninja crawling across the floor like an army man. She had looked like she was wounded in battle and had lost her arms and legs, although they were still in the correct spots as she moved towards the Cullen's front door.

"Everyone is going hunting this weekend. I hope you don't mind. Alice will be here to keep you company"

"NO! SHE WILL TOURTURE ME IN WAYS THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE!" Bella exclaimed. Edward laughed. Bella had successfully managed to Ninja crawl to the door, but now was having a slight issue with reaching the door knob. "Like what? Attack you with moisturizer?" Edward was amused by Bella and her non Ninja skills, it was like watching someone with no hands peal a banana.

"She already did that! It wasn't that bad. However!" Bella panted. She got fed up with the Ninja moves and got up to open the door, but still had issues. "Remember the concentration camps in world war 2? It'll be like that! But except of me going into a room where they poison you with mustard gas, she will shove me into a closet and force me to try on clothes that are brought all the way from Italy" Bella finally got the door open, but tripped on her way in and fell face flat onto the ground.

Emmett looked up and laughed. "I love it when we play 'watch the stupid human fall over shamelessly!'"

Edward walked in and picked up Bella and closed the door in one swift movement. He rolled his eyes at Emmett and looked at Bella. "So what do you think love? Will you be okay without me?"

Bella looked confused and taken aback "Where are you going?!"

Edward was now confused. "Bella, I just explained to you that the family and I are going on a hunting trip and you are to stay here with Alice"

"Oh! Sorry, forgive my goldfishness. I remember now" Bella said "I love the idea. You need to go out and have 'manly prowl time' anyways."

"Gold…fish…ness?" Edward questioned, but Bella was already upstairs with Alice.

"She was seriously lost and confused for a second" Jasper said, reading the newspaper. "She also had a sense of lust in her. What were you two doing outside?" Jasper winked at Edward.

"I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN EDWARDS PANTS!" Emmett admitted. "Although, what happened in Bella's would be interesting". Before the sentence finished, Rosalie was next to Emmett. "WHAT!?" she exclaimed. He had obviously picked the wrong choice of words.

"It's not what you think! I swear!" Emmett shouted in fear. He was in the fetal position. This wasn't good. In no time, Rose had him by the ear and dragged him up the stairs, like a female spider does to the male spider right before she eats him.

"That was new" Edward said. Today had been a strange day indeed.

Now that the family was out of the house, Alice and Bella were plotting. They were covered in black pants, black boots, black socks, and black shirts. They were on a quest sent from the devil himself, with the help of Snappers **(A.N. for anyone who doesn't know what 'Snappers' are, they are the little white balls of gunpowder that you throw at the ground and they make a loud "SNAP!" sound.) **

Alice and Bella stepped outside. It was dark, and the clouds hung low. Alice decided that she would run Bella close to the target, and then they would sneak their way up to their prey. Bella hopped on Alice's back, and Alice ran at vampire speed.

Once they got close to the prey, they got out the snappers. There they were, the couple sitting on the dock to a small lake. Their feet were hanging off the side, and the girls head was on the boys shoulder as they held hands and discussed about how much they loved each other. It was so romantic, but it had to be sabotaged! Alice and Bella got in position behind a nice, large, fern. It was far away enough for them to be hidden, but close enough so that the falling bombs would fall right behind them.

"Okay Bella. Remember, you are NINJA WARRIOR!" Alice whispered.

"Got it. Remember Alice, you are MOJO-JOJO!" Bella whispered back.

Alice got out one snapper, and launched it into the air. The milliseconds seemed to slug on by as it fell to the ground right behind the couple, making a loud snapping noise. The guy flinched and turned around. He couldn't see anyone or anything. Deciding that he was paranoid, he turned back to his girl. This time though, he didn't connect hands with her. He lay on his back and the girl straddled him.

It was Bella's turn. She got ready for the throw, and launched it into the air. It landed with a thud. There was no pop. Alice looked over the fern, the female was now staring at the dead snapper. "SHIT! SOMEONE IS AFTER US!" she yelled. She got off the guy and got to her feet, the guy following close behind.

"ATTACK!" Alice yelled. With a hand full of snappers, Bella and Alice sprung from the bushes. They ran towards the couple screaming "IE IE IE IE IE IE IE IE IE IE IE" and threw all the snappers at the couple's feet. The female screamed and fell into the mini lake, while the male stood there, his face getting redder every moment.

"Bella, Alice" Charlie said "Care to explain what is going on here?"

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**Sucky cliff hanger, but my wrist is killing me! Sorry! and my Nana believes I am on the computer too long when I am at her house. She failed to realize there is anything to do at her house anyways other then watch TV and eat food. Something that isn't really healthy either. Oh well. **

**OH! FYI. Congrats Latuacontante. The song was "Girl Shine On" by Aaron Carter. I was thinking of some songs that would fit Tyler's coming outness to Edward. And sadly enough, I looked up songs that were performed by Aaron Carter and found that song. It was perfect :D.**

**I'll probably have one up tomorrow. - If I'm not on lockdown from the computer. Reviews are greatly loved!**


	5. Nobody's Perfect, I Gotta Work It!

**Hello my few, but lovely devoted fans I have whose reviews have made me smile. I am back in the comfort of my own home (thank God). I can only take so much of my Nana. Anyways, I'm pretty sure I left off with Charlie on a date. Weird, I know. And I have to apologize if my last chapter was… bad. I was so tired, but I couldn't fall asleep.**

**Anyways, continuing on. My iTunes might actually helped me with this chapter.  
Note to chocomel26: JACOB SUCKS stick tongue out and goes cross-eyed**

**Chapter Four: Nobody's Perfect, I've Gotta Work It**

Alice and Bella stopped and froze. They didn't expect to see Charlie here with another woman. "Uh, hey Charlie!" Alice said, in quite an excited voice. Bella couldn't tell what she was doing, but she definitely had some form of a lie boiling in that tiny head of hers.

"What are you two doing out this late? Throwing snappers at people that are obviously wanting a bit of alone time, you should be ashamed!" Charlie said. He had helped the female out of the lake, but for some odd reason, he didn't want Bella or Alice to she her face.

"Who is she Dad?" Bella asked suspiciously. She looked familiar, but Bella couldn't place her finger on it. Alice raised an eyebrow and scoffed, she knew who it was. "Charlie" Alice started, "Why are you here with her? She is happily married!"

"We, uh, met up on the trial when I was fishing tonight! And decided to have a chat and talk for a while" Charlie mustered up.

"Right" Alice said, narrowing her eyes. "They was she was straddling your hips, and the way your hand was snaking its way up her shirt was TOTALLY chatting her up. It was more like 'feeling' her up." Alice said, she was now just enjoying picking Charlie piece to piece.

Bella was confused. She was happy that her dad finally found someone other then herself to bore to death, but he was a home wrecker! How could he? But with who was it that he hid from Bella? Then Bella noticed the highlighted blonde hair, the perfectly polished nails, and the strappy high heels. Though her face wasn't facing Bella, she knew who it was.

"KAREN NEWTON?" Bella shouted.

"Present!" Karen said. She wasn't the type to hold very many brains in her head. "Why dad? Why Karen? YOU should be ashamed" Bella said. "Let's go Alice!" Bella pulled Alice's arm and they headed back into the forest. They could hear Charlie shouting after them, but they ignored it. Bella hopped on Alice's back and they ran back to the house.

They came crashing in the door laughing.

"I don't believe that he feel for her! She's the biggest whore in forks, and the only people who don't know this are her own family! Poor Charlie, she was probably out for a quickie!" Bella laughed.

"Why is that funny?" Alice said. She was laughing too.

"Because first of all, you could totally tell Charlie had a sock in pants. And we just sabotaged and threw her into the lake on accident! Did you not see her fake boobs fall out of her bra and start floating away from her?"

"I still don't know why this is funny" Alice said.

"Me either" Bella agreed. Obviously they still had too much adrenaline in them. They calmed down somewhat. It had been an eventful night. Bella ordered pizza for herself, and went to get something to drink. The only reason why the Cullen's had a kitchen installed was because of Bella herself. It was like she had already moved in.

The pizza arrived and Bella ate it in the kitchen while Alice called Jasper. After her phone call, Alice walked in.

"How is your pizza Bella?" Alice asked.

"It's gone" Bella said with a burp. She was sitting on the floor, with her legs crossed and an empty pizza box in front of her.

"Did it run away?"

"No. I ate it. STUPID!"

"Oh. I thought it was going to live with you!"

"No. I got hungry"

"Poor pizza"

"No. It was good pizza"

"But it didn't get any before it died"

"Don't worry; it had an orgy with the other pieces"

"Uhm, Bella. You're just weird"

"You're the one that said the pizza didn't get any!"

"But YOU put it in your mouth!"

"Oh! I guess it did get some! Oral, duh"

"Now that is kinky"

"I try"

After Alice and Bella's pizza sex talk, Bella decided to hit the hay. Still refusing the bed that Edward laid out, she curled up on the couch. The next day, the family came home early. There wasn't much going on anyways. Alice has attacked her with make up, new clothes from Paris, and a bribe into buying her a new car. Bella didn't want anything to do with it. That is when Emmett came blasting through the door.

"That man makes me want to snap my fingers in a Z formation" he sighed, throwing himself onto the couch, making a rather loud thud.

"WHAT? All I wanted to know was why you INSIST on buying me a dress" Jasper exhaled, being the next coming through the door.

"Because" Edward said, he was the next one in, "We would want to see what the people of Forks would do if you started wearing a dress to school. Would the men start wearing dresses? Would the females buy tuxedos?"

"I already have the perfect one picked out!" Rosalie squealed.

"Jasper, hunny, you don't have to do anything they say. However, if you still want to wear the dress, I support you in anything you do" Esme stated, her and Carlizzle **(I couldn't help it) **walked in the door, hand in hand.

Alice and Bella were confused. Jasper wearing a dress?

"Jasper" Alice asked. "Why are you going to wear a dress to school?" She was as much confused as Bella was. "Well, see, the guys think it would be fun to dress me up in a dress to see how society would act. Edward wouldn't do it, because Tyler would just lust even more over him, and Emmett is being forced by Rose not to do it because she doesn't want to have a drag queen as a boyfriend."

"Yeah" Rosalie agreed "It's bad enough having a boyfriend who is obsessed with Hannah Montana anyways"

The whole room went quite. Hannah Montana? No one knew this, not even Edward. How did he hide it from all of them?

"Hannah… Montana?" Edward spat out. He was now laughing, along with the rest of the room.

"ROSE!" Emmett boomed. "How could you admit that? After all our nights of blocking Edward out and now you just BLURT it out like it's a newly fresh piece of gossip. I wish you would understand my drama queen a little bit better!"

"Oh save it" Edward said. "You like it that people know now. I can read your mind, remember? You're relieved. Not upset. Stop being a drama queen"

"Damn you Edward Cullen"

"Yes, damn me"

"So, Hannah Montana and Jasper in a dress?" Bella asked. "I can't wait for school on Monday"

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**Ugh. Sorry – another kinda sucky one. I need ideas though! I reaaaally do. And I would love it if you guys would help out, because my iTunes actually didn't help. It will once I post though – and then it will be too late. Oh well.**

**Again: I own nothing of the kind that had to do with Twilight, Hannah Montana, or fake boobs.**


	6. We Are a Messed Up Family

**Sigh. It felt so good to wake up this morning and to not be in some strange room. I do love the reviews I have been getting. They make me smile!**

**Oh! SIDE NOTE: I know my characters are not who they really are. They are out of character. I know, and I'm not going to apologize. This is my story! No one seems to have a problem, but a few have mentioned it. So I thought I would clear that up that I do know that they are out of character.**

**And again: Jacob sucks. :D**

**Chapter Six: We Are a Messed Up Family**

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Bella got up Monday morning. Today was the big day! She couldn't wait. She stayed up late light night with Alice, getting together Jaspers dress and Emmett Hannah Montana outfit. Rosalie was upset with the family for making Emmett dress up like a pop star for a day, but nobody cared. They were all too excited about what was to come on the first day of the school week.

When Edward pulled up in his Volvo to pick Bella up for school, Bella noticed the two unfamiliar shadows in the back of the car; Alice was lodged in between them. Bella hopped in the front seat and spun around. There was Jasper in his dress on the left of Alice.

It was bright orange strapless dress. It fit his upper body nicely. To make it more womanly, Alice and Bella forced him to wear a strapless bra with stuffers, to make it look like he had a women's upper body. The silky figure fitting of the dress continued down to Jaspers hips, then immediately poofed everywhere. It seemed to fill up the whole bottom half of the car, there was so much poof. Jasper himself didn't look too happy. His hair had been intensely straightened and had a big orange rose hanging over his left ear. He had clip on dangling white hoop earrings that Bella picked up from Claire's the day before. He had a nice pink shade of lip stick on that seemed to compliment his dress. And for the final touch to the master piece, his eyes were bolded with eyeliner, and his eyelashes were as thick as dark. If Bella didn't know him better, she would have thought that he was a she.

Now for Emmett on the other hand, he seemed to be smug with his look, although again he looked completely female. He looked like Hannah Montana on steroids. He had the blonde hair, with brunette highlights that went down past his "boobs". He too was forced to be wearing a stuffed bra. He was wearing a bright blue sparkly tank top that went down past his hips. He was wearing tight white pants, that gave made him appear to have imaginary hips. And to complete the outfit, he had on 5 inch purple strap heals. His eye shadow was a nice pink, and his eyelashes seemed to reach for the sky. In his left hand he had a microphone. He had gotten a little to bit into his outfit, Bella thought.

After taking a good long look at her two "brothers", she about pee'd herself. She would of if Edward didn't remind her to breathe deep every now and then. Bella snorted in the front seat, while Alice sat in the back seat with a self-satisfied look on her face. She was obviously proud of turning her soul mate and brother into transvestites. Then it hit Bella. Where was Rose?

"Edward?" Bella asked.

"Yes, my love?" Edward responded as he pulled into Forks High

"Where is Rose?"

"Oh! Uh, we had to shove her into the trunk. She didn't approve of this and tried to ruin Emmett, so we ducktaped her and threw her into the back"

"Can't she break through ducktape?" Bella asked, now confused

"Like all creatures" Edward explained "We all have a weakness. Ours is ducktape"

"Wow, that sucks" Bella said. She was now thinking of some pretty evil things to do to Edward.

Edward cut the engine and got out of the car. He opened the door for Bella while Emmett got out of the car. It was hard to tell who he really was. You could obviously tell he was Hannah Montana from one side, and Emmett from another. Alice obviously did this on purpose, so that people wouldn't get confused with who dressed up like the Hannah Montana Steroid. Next was Alice, she looked amazing as usual. Edward was now getting Rose out of the trunk. Her eyes were on fire for a second, but then she took one look at Emmett and a huge giggle ruptured from her mouth.

"EMMETT! YOU'RE SO HOTT!" Rose shouted. This got everyone's attention. The whole school was in the parking lot, and now, everyone in the school was looking at the Cullen family- including Bella. Jasper just got out the car. The bottom of the dress looked like 5 people could comfortable camp underneath.

"Stupid… Emmett damnit…shit faced… banana" Jasper said; then froze when he realized that all of the schools population's eyes were on him.

"Everyone can see we're together" Edward whispered

"Yeah! But we're not walking on by" Bella whispered back

"And we fly like birds of a feather" Edward said

"Won't you tell no lie?" Bella answered

"All of the people around us" Alice spoke up

"They're asking if we can be that close" Edward said, reading their minds

"Just let me state for the record, we're giving love in a family dose" Rose applied to the conversation.

Just then Emmett froze. He had heard this before. It wasn't just a conversation, it was a song! Edward, out of no where, grabbed Emmett's microphone and starting singing "WE ARE FAMILY! I'VE GOT ALL MY SISTERS WITH ME"

Edward was the only male looking on with the group, and he couldn't help but add that in. Jasper shot Edward a sly look.

"What?!" Edward asked. He was amused; it seemed like the perfect moment to break out that part of the song.

"NO! NOT ANOTHER DANCE ROUNTINE" Bella shouted. She didn't want to go through that again.

The Cullen family agreed and they into school together.

"Hey Alice, are you sure Jasper isn't gay?" Bella shouted over Edward, Rose, and Jasper

"Yeah! Why?" Alice answered.

"Because I asked him if he was, and he hit me with his purse" Bella laughed back.

"Oh! Sure! Make the not so funny joke about the guy in the dress, and completely ignore the idiot in the Hannah Montana outfit" Jasper shot at Bella.

"Aww Come on Jasper!" Bella shouted, jumping in front on the group. "NOBODY'S PERFECT! YOU'VE GOTTA WORK IT!" Bella sang rather horribly, doing hip thrusts.

"Yeah! Come on Jasper!" Emmett jumped out too, joining in with the hip thrusts. "I'VE GOT NERVE!"

The rest just laughed and Jasper crossed his arms, putting the annoyed look on his face. Alice couldn't help but join in.

"Come on baby! You know you got to have the "best of both worlds! Chillin' out, take it slow, then you ROCK out the show" Alice said, now all three were doing hip thrusts in time with each other.

Tyler then walked by, eyeing Emmett and Jasper. Edward read his mind and caught Tyler's eye. Edward gave him a big smile and winked, sending Tyler to faint backwards in shock.

"What as he thinking?" Rose asked

"He was thinking about getting it on with Jasper in the closet in building three, next to the bathrooms"

"Oh dear. So why did you wink at him?"

"Because he wanted me to so I was going to be nice. Now I just have to fear the wrath of how he now thinks I want him"

"Does this mean there is going to be another sing a long tomorrow before school?"

"Yeah, but it's not about me"

"Who is it for then?"

"Ohhh. You'll find out!"

Just them, Bella tripped over her foot, crashing into Alice, who crashed into Emmett, sending them flying into the air and landing on the ground with a rather loud thud.

"Sometimes I work a scheme" Bella yelled, gasping for air "But then it flips on me"

"More like 'trips on me'" Edward said, now fully on laughing. Bella was stuck underneath Emmett's legs and Alice's stomach.

"Doesn't turn out how I planned! Gets stuck in quicksand!"

"Bella!" Alice laughed "Why are you still singing?"

"What can I say?" Bella said, gasping for air underneath all the weight "Everybody has those days"

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**Hahaha. I had fun with this chapter. The ending is iffy, but I had the song stuck in my head and needed to somehow get that in there. I hope you guys liked it!**

**OH! FYI - I post the chapter, and then I check it for any mistakes, so if it's iffy and I JUST now posted it, you might wanna hang on for a couple minutes till I get it set. **


	7. I'm SO Sorry! Chapter 6 ina half

I have to apologize to EVERYONE!

I had like twelve chapter written when I returned home after writing my first six, and my computer got a major virus and we had to reboot everything. I lost everything! My Sims 2 Sims I fell in love with, my needless internet sites, and ALL of my chapters.

Thanks to a fan interview, my email went "HEY! People still like you!"

So, I am going to NY tomorrow night with the school band, but I will attempt to have something basic written in the next week or two.

Damn it's been a long time.

I'M SO SORRY!


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